Sometimes introducing yourself is the hardest part because you know yourself so well that you don't even know where to start. Let me give it a try and see what people think of me through my writings and self-description. Hopefully, my impression of myself and your impression of me is not that much of a different.Well, here we go. Deep breathe.
I'm a very insecure person. I'm not perfect. Hell, I am everything but perfect! I cry often, whether it's during a movie, sad song on the radio, or just by small things that triggers me. I'll cry even when I speak of things that have hurt me in the past, even if they don't hurt anymore. I am afraid of being left, and I am afraid of being not good enough. I have anger issues, and I sometimes hurt myself because I like the feeling of physical pain just to cope with my emotional pain.
I will tell you the ways I hate myself, and not believe a single word you say when you disagree with each and every reason. I will tell you ways that I would kill myself day after day, but still fight the urge to put that into motion. I know that getting rid of myself isn't gonna help anybody. You can tell me you love me, cares for me countless times, but I'll still be afraid of you leaving me. Don't blame yourself if that ever happens. I always expect the worst, because I'm used to get the worst.
When times have gotten tough for me, I try to think of what I can do for somebody else, as opposed to what's not being done for me. I am suffering from depression and anxiety, and if someone was kind to me, I felt better. So, I decided to always be nice to everyone no matter how bad my depression gotten, because you never know what they're fighting for.
Still reading? Congratulations. You made it passed my insecurities.
I'm not an easy person to be with. I know that. I probably won't even try to make it easy for people to be with me. I'll be really difficult at times. It may seem like, at times, I don't want you and I don't like you, but I do. I'm just bad at showing that. I'll be a challenge, because I'm not that type of person who people walk all over. I'm not the person who puts up with bullshit.
I'm not the person who will give you sympathy comments. When I say something, I mean it. If people were assholes to me, I throw them out of my life. I'm annoying. I'm hilarious, and I'm the world's biggest jerk. I'll make you want to scream and punch walls. I'll ruin your day and save it at the very last minute. I'll drive you crazy, and sometimes, you'll hate my guts.
But even though all that's going to happen, and I swear it will, I have an amazing side to me. I do. I have a giant heart. I'll always be there when you need me. Even if my life is impossibly knotted, I'll try and untangle yours by listening and loving. I won't stop caring about you, even if you push me away. I am that kind of person who you can do tons of bullshit to, but I would still care.
My depression doesn't define me. I define myself. So, that literally wraps about me. I created this blog just for self expression and to share how I deal with my life while having depression and anxiety. How I manage to survive those years of fighting the voices inside my head.
After all, we're all fighting our battles. Just different demons.
November 17, 2017 - 1427hours
Evansville, Indiana, US
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